The joke that tells itself, the gift that keeps on giving…

Coolio. I know you remember him.

You know: “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Crack charges. Dracula 3000?

Well, other than being a fine actor, rapper, and vampire rapist, Coolio is also a tight ass chef. How do I know this?

I know this because right now you can take a fantastic voyage over to Amazon and pick yourself up a copy of “Cookin With Coolio” for $11 dollars.

And if you don’t capitalize on a deal like that, you’re just plain un-American.

Some choice quotes snatched from the Village Voice:

“I’m the ghetto Martha Stewart, the black Rachel Ray.”

“This dish ain’t just called Karate Meat because it’s got an Asian kick to it. It’s called Karate Meat because it will beat you up like a pigeon in prison.”

“Hell, when I was growing up, I could make a meal out of a package of Top Ramen and a bottle of Windex.”

“[My mom’s] fried chicken would literally put on tennis shoes and run the fuck into your mouth.”

“Everything I cook tastes better than yo’ momma’s nipples.”

“Leave the eggs to bathe for 15 minutes in the hot water like a sexy Swedish chick in a natural mineral sauna.”

On how to make an egg roll: “Roll it nice and tight like a blunt.”

“Having the right utensils is a good start, but then you gotta show them who’s the boss up in this bitch.”

“Seriously, if someone don’t like this appetizer, you gotta grab they scruffy ass by the back of their neck and throw them out on the lawn. I can’t help people like that.”

“Let me be perfectly clear. You ain’t cookin’ with fire. You ain’t cookin with heat. You’re cookin’ with Coolio, motherfucker!”

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